Mending bridges

Elijah
Just go.

So, he went.

Turned and walked, regardless of the fact that he had actually taken the motorcycle there. Regardless of the fact that walking back to the warehouse was quite a walk. It would have been easier to go back to the apartment and just crashed on Jenn's couch and stared blankly at the wall and just internalize things. Figure out whatever it was that he needed to take, what he needed to smoke or drink or inject or fuck that would make that nagging sensation go away but there wasn't anything.

He had a long walk tot he warehouse, because he wanted, specifically, to see Kalen. Maybe he realizes how ironic that is. Maybe he realizes how messed up that is, that suddenly now that he's inconvenienced now he wants to talk to his mentor like nothing happened, like they're the same people they were when they first met. But they're not. Things have changed since then. A lot has changed since then.

So, he doesn't smoke. He doesn't take a drink and the walk takes him the better part of two hours but he doesn't look back and doesn't flinch and doesn't do anything except walk because being a body is easier than having to deal with his mind but he's processing information and he's going through the details and replaying every single second of what was going on and what could have happened next.
You know, you only see him when you need something.

So, after two hours of walking, he's there, at the door of Kalen's office and he just... sits.
And waits. Doesn't know if he's there or going to be there, but Elijah waits, because he can wait. Has all the time in the world.

Kalen Holliday
[How awake are we?]
Dice: 7 d10 TN7 (3, 3, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10) ( success x 5 )

Kalen Holliday
[And how distracted by Resonance are we?]
Dice: 7 d10 TN6 (3, 3, 5, 5, 6, 6, 8) ( success x 3 )

Kalen Holliday
Kalen is not in his office, but then he rarely is.  Kalen is in the library itself.  As has been more common lately with a bottle of wine and a wine glass and a book.  Sometimes poetry, sometimes history, sometimes whatever has caught his attention.  But there is a bit less of that frantic focus on maps and charts and newspapers as though he needs to devote his every waking moment to saving the world.

It may say something about Kalen that the one being in all of creation that got him to pause to breathe was one that no longer needed to breathe.  That Kalen, so hell-bent on duty and justice and a war against evil that had no end, found space to step back and be human with a vampire when only months before he had attempted to kill one of them simply for existing.

Possibly about the kind of patience the dead have the luxury to have.  The staggering amount of perspective.  Their stillness.

After a moment, he realizes that Elijah is waiting.  Not barging into any rooms or stepping into one of the places he studies but waiting outside his space.  And so he stands and walks up to his office to see what he needs.  Quiet and calm.  Not really buzzed, because he'd have to drink much more wine in much less time for that.

"Hello, Fae," he says quietly.  And Kalen, much like the voice in Elijah's head, notices trends.  "Need something?"  There is no real sense of annoyance.  Kalen has been in places where he wanted to push back connection.  And has responded to Elijah's lack of connection with...space.  Space in which Kalen sets cupcakes and fascinating baked goods like pineapple-mango tartlets and strawberry muffins without comment.  Easter baskets with high end chocolate truffles and a soft, floppy-eared stuffed bunny.

And waits.  In much the way that someone once waited for him.  Though, he was left more books and less dessert.  Still.  The principal is the same.

Elijah
[Willpower: No, really, I'm good]
Dice: 5 d10 TN8 (4, 6, 6, 8, 10) ( success x 2 )

Elijah
It wasn't so much strange as it was... odd. He's so open with everyone else. He's so affectionate with everyone else, but he gets with Kalen and he's distant and he's awkward and he's tentative and he didn't used to be. He waits, and it is tinged with a strange sort of patience that one didn't really attribute to Elijah often. He wasn't normally a creature that considered himself capable of restraint.
He needs to learn patience, to learn restraint. He's trying, but trying only gets him so far. He's still so very human, so very aware of what precious seconds he has. There are things he doesn't know. Doesn't really understand what's going on with vampires. Knows that Kalen has been at a slower pace now, it's... it's been nice.

There have been little openings. Cupcakes and tartlets and easter baskets which were met with smaller gestures- things divided neatly and intently into halves. Thigns with the intent of there being another person, but always potential and not kinetic. Something lacking direction.

Hello, Fae, need something?
It makes him smile, inhale sharp like he pressed on a bruise.

"I talked to Ari today because, y'know, I thought we could be friends and we talked about pair bonding... and she said that when one calls for aid, the other responds, unfailingly.  And that it's difficult to feel wanted when you engage in the same behavior with everyone else- that it makes you interchangeable."

A second passed, and he's looking for words and it's obvious, so painfully obvious how much he wants to run away and how much he doesn't want to say anything and how badly he wants to keep up with what he'd always done, to be completely alone in a crowd. To be gregarious but keep important people at a distance.

"I never considered myself to be a disloyal person... but I am. I'm... I'm fucking distant and I've spent the past five months trying to figure out what I did to make you mad, to make you snap at me, to make you resent me and I could never figure out what I did-" Elijah stops again and inhales sharply again, and he was there. He wanted to stand up and bridge the gap but... he doesn't. There's a comfort he desperately wants but won't seek because... because he knows better. "But I think I figured it out. And I want to say I'm sorry, and I want to say I'm trying to fix it and I swear to everything that I'm trying. My word's not worth anything."

There's a hitch in his voice, but that control is held tight and held close. "Anyway, it's just... par for the course, I care about people and I fuck things up because I can't fucking have things be okay... but I love you, Kalen. And I never made that clear. Especially now."

Kalen Holliday
Kalen goes very still.  Even after Elijah stops talking he is still.  Quiet.

There are things that he does not do well in some circumstances.  Vulnerability is one of those things.  Intimacy.  Trust.  Those things, despite what some people assume because of the degree to which he feels safe with them or the degree to which he is willing to risk himself to be really part of their lives, are hard won with Kalen.  Increasingly so, actually, these days.

"You spent a very long time being mostly alone.  It is not an easy habit to break.  I know.  Hell, I'm still punishing people for loving me."  He sighs.  "You are correct though.  Telling people how much you want to be better is off limited impact.  It's nice to know, but despite your intentions, you seem to make little progress.

"Not everyone will wait forever, Fae.  There comes a point with people, at which you have to be brave.  You have to be sure.  And then you take a leap and trust that they'll be there to catch you.  Sometimes they are.  Sometimes they are not.  But there is a kind of distance that other people cannot cross for you."

Kalen sighs. "You told me what you wanted.  And I told you that you had it.  That I would spend more time with you and you be here and that I would take responsibility for you.  And after that, after you took me to task for not really being there for you except for when it was convenient for me, you proceeded to act as though I was the last person you wanted to talk to.

"I don't resent you, Fae.  Hell, I'm going to have to defend you, most likely, when this representative of the Order comes.  And that will interesting, but I was not easy to defend either.  I was confined to a chantry however, so the amount of potential damage I could do was limited.  And I had been living primarily on my own already, I didn't get myself into the kinds of trouble you are so fond of.  And I did obey Marcellus' few commands.  And he was well regarded.  So, this will be more difficult.
"Still.  I think that one day, you will be more than it to the Order.  And I have no such accounting with people I invite into my life, you are or not part of it.  What that costs me is not the kind of thing one keeps in a ledger.  Or, at least, in my limited capacity to understand what friendship is, it should not be."

Elijah
"I do want to talk to you," he says, though he's quiet, "I always want to talk to you. Like, when the world stopped being terrifying and I started sleeping again and- and when I finally hit the point when thinking about Alicia didn't hurt and when Jenn thought I was shutting her out I didn't want to tell Sera or Ian or Grace, I wanted to tell you and I didn't. And every time that I didn't it just got harder and-"

He laughs, but the sound is mostly to keep whatever emotions he's feeling from boiling over, because he's trying. He doesn't always do well, he doesn't always make progress, but he reaches for something and tries.

"It's like that Amanda Palmer song about the bed and how I should have asked you what was the matter and I get that it's fucked up that I'm not here for you and... and..."

And I have no such accounting with people I invite into my life, you are or not part of it.  What that costs me is not the kind of thing one keeps in a ledger.  Or, at least, in my limited capacity to understand what friendship is, it should not be.

"I don't know what you're saying," he admits, sounds scared, lets it creep into the corners of his voice because he's bracing for impact, he's insistent, despite what was said he's clearly expecting Kalen to walk away.

"It's all bullshit.. and... and you deserve a lot better than this."

Kalen Holliday
"If it's any consolation," Kalen says after a few seconds to try to process everything that Elijah just said, "I have no idea who Amanda Palmer is or why a song about a bed is relevant here."  He smiles a little.  "I'll just take that one on faith."

He sighs again.  "It means that connection, especially for those of us for whom it has been rare and often damaging, is fucking terrifying.  Being honest is terrifying, being vulnerable is terrifying, and admitting that we care is terrifying.

"And none of your relationships are going to work until you look all those terrifying things right in their terrifying faces and then engage anyway, even though it seems like the hardest possible thing to do.  And, in fairness to everyone around me, of the ones that you know, I manage that reliably mostly only with Alexander and sometimes with Serafine.  Because even when I feel like their disapproval might actually be flaying me alive, I know how much they care about me and how much I can trust them.  I know that what we have is bigger and so much more important than anything I'm afraid of.  Even when I'm mad them or they're mad me.

"Grace...is different.  I don't know why, but that's never been terrifying except the one time when I wasn't sure whether or not she was dying."

"It is hard to trust, and to really have the kind of relationships that you want, the ones where you feel like even if you fuck something up you will be safe and loved anyway, you have to throw yourself open to the possibility that you aren't.  Until you do, you're not trusting them, and without that...there's no foundation for the kind of thing that you're looking for.

"I know what you want, Fae.  Because I also wanted it for a very long time.  No one can hand it to you.  Because no matter how much we love you, no matter how long we are willing to let you struggle and find out what you can do and sometimes what you cannot do, and as much as we are willing to be patient, for what you want you have to be willing to be brave.  And you still draw back.
"I don't blame you.  I'm not angry.  And I certainly don't resent you.  I knew you when I offered to be your mentor and to let you come to live here.  I knew that there was not going to be the kind of bond there needed to be between us until you learned to trust me.  It has, admittedly, taken longer than I had hoped.  But you cannot force trust."

Elijah
[WP]
Dice: 5 d10 TN8 (2, 2, 4, 5, 8) ( success x 1 )

Elijah
It takes him time.
He does stand, though, find himself in Kalen's proximity, and unless he is stopped otherwise, the Flambeau would find himself being hugged. He closed his eyes, tight, drawing some ragged breath and his mind was focused on one particular thing that stuck with him, that Kalen had all the reasons to walk away. That he could have washed his hands and been done but he was still here, he knew Elijah. He knew Elijah despite Elijah's best attempts at keeping him at a distance.

"I don't want to lie to you anymore," his voice is quiet, astounded, mind still clinging to that one simple fact- despite everything, Kalen doesn't resent him.

"I'm not going to hide things anymore." Because he couldn't have what he wanted if he was going to lie, if he was going to tell half the truth. If he was going to avoid responsibility and avoid the terrifying notion that he could fall.

Kalen Holliday
Kalen does not attempt to escape being hugged.  Truthfully, Kalen very rarely avoids contact or physical proximity.  Hell, he has Alexander half-trained to cater to his desire for those things.  He lets Elijah come to him, but, once he does, that hug is returned.  For as long as Elijah stays.
"Good," is all he says at first.  Still quiet.

"I wish that these things could be easier for you. But that is as contrary to your experience as to mine, I think."

Elijah
"Very few things worth doing are easy," he said, and he stayed there. He'd stay for a long time, too, content to not really go anywhere. Truth be told, he hadn't done this in months. The distance had been more than emotional, it had been literal physical proximity and he needs this. Kalen doesn't initiate but he does accept, doesn't push him away, doesn't tell him to let go or to stop and he lingers.
His breathing takes a long time before it stops being shallow, before he can make sure he has his wits about him.

It's hard to think of Elijah as something that doesn't trust, if only because he seems so gregarious, because he offers just enough information to keep people thinking about something else, because he hides the nicks in his armor and protects the more vulnerable pieces jealously and sometimes... sometimes he hurts people. Sometimes he hurts people who mean the world to him because he doesn't think or he doesn't communicate.

"You don't resent me?" he pulled back, looked Kalen in the eyes and he's searching, because he needs to see his face, because he needs to take it in, because... because he can hardly believe it, something that comes close to elation, something that is the beginnings of joy because he can hardly believe that...

Nevermind what he could and couldn't believe.

Kalen Holliday
"No.  I don't resent you.

"I can see how people might.  But I understand you.  And even if sometimes it is difficult, even with that understanding, it certainly is not so difficult that I resent you."  And then he laughs, still quiet.
"Besides.  I have had both of my cabalmates literally throwing things at me because I was being impossible about not being a jerk about talking to them.  Who would I be to cast stones?"

Elijah
"See? I haven't thrown anything at you, I feel like I've achieved something," with a little laugh, "I have terrible aim, so it's probably for the best."

There is a second that he takes in the quiet tone, takes in the sounds and the sensations and just accepts that this is how things are. That things are different, that he has to give something if he is going to be able to trust someone. He has to be willing to fall, willing to find out what he can and can't do.

He inhales slow and deep, "anyway... this all... kind of came to a point... because I went to the aquarium with Ari. I just... I feel for her. She's convinced that she doesn't deserve good things and she just wants something or someone that's hers and... on a cognitive level, I get that," on a certain level, if only because Elijah thinks the world is infinite, that we are infinite so having something that is only yours is near impossible.

"It all went pretty bad... I mean. I remember wanting worse than anything for her to not run and wanting to convince her that she's wrong that she deserves to be fucking happy but-"
he stops, exhales hard.

"I fucking suck with other people."

Kalen Holliday
Kalen huffs softly.  "She'll come to trust someone or she won't.  I am so beyond done trying that I almost let a vampire wander off with her last we met.  It would have been regrettable, but I had other opportunities to pursue that could lead to saving more than her life.  And I don't see her having much positive impact on the world.  That might change, but, given it to do again, I would still not intervene.
"There are points beyond which even I see no point in holding out hope.  I rather expect that she will become a danger to us, if she is not killed out on her own, and then we will have to kill her.  Really, it would probably be better in a larger picture sense to kill her now and avoid having to fight her when she was amassed enough knowledge to become a real danger, but that way lies madness and horrible outcomes.  We cannot execute people for the monsters they might become.

"Perhaps especially when it is most tempting and seems most reasonable."

Elijah
He winces, "if we're killing people for a bad attitude and trust problems, I should have died a couple years ago. I-I get that, if I hadn't met you, and if you hadn't been patient with me losing my damn mind, I don't know where I would be."

Sure he does. The doe-eyed darling could have a few guesses, still doesn't completely fathom  how close he's come to some very irreversible consequences, that all those bad dreams and nights of slipping reality were indicative of a larger problem that Elijah still isn't completely aware he has.
Someday he will be, though. Someday the world will fall out of focus . Someday there will be a time when Kalen will have to likely explain what Quiet is and how the Hell Elijah got there. Possibly more than once. He doesn't know, but someday he will be aware.

"She can be really sweet sometimes. And caring, it's just like she doesn't know how to let herself be human."

Kalen Holliday
"I've met her.  She reminds me of myself when I was younger even more than you do.  It's why I doubt that she will be anything but dangerous if she doesn't find some way to trust someone.  It doesn't even need to be us.  But unless she cares for something enough to refuse to take what she wants by whatever means she has, she will eventually find something like what Victoria found.  Or, worse, she'll actually Fall.  But in either case, she will become dangerous enough that we will have to act.

"And, for all that I tried to find a way to stop both Victoria and Lucia without killing them, we were forced to kill them in the end.  We had no choice but to kill that poor man Thakinyan was possessing.  We killed that Nephandus we encountered in the spirit world.  I wish that there were better alternatives, but our options are very limited.

"Perhaps she will find some reason to care enough about something that will not become necessary.  I do hope so.  But I am no longer trying to be something that might.  It is exhausting.  And there are more people I might help than time allows.  I can save more people focusing my attention elsewhere, and I will do so.

"Whatever becomes of her, unless she comes to me for help or I have to hunt her for her transgressions, is no longer any concern of mine."

Elijah
He took a second, listened, and actually listened. Took in what Kalen said because, despite everything that seemed to point tt the contrary, Elijah respected Kalen. Cared about his opinion even if he didn't necessarily agree with it. He's still young, still dealing with things he's seen and coming to terms with the fact that sometimes you have to kill someone in order to keep the rest of the world safe.

He doesn't think about Eleanor, but he does think about cycles. About dead things and hurricanes and whatever came to Victoria's spirit and whether or not she actually passed on to the next life or if she was utterly destroyed in the process.

A beat, and he paused, "what were you like when you were younger? Aside from industrious."

Kalen Holliday
"I had been alone for a long time.  I didn't care about about anyone else.  I took what I wanted.  I did what I wanted.  If I had been offered the choice to take power the way Victoria did, I would have taken it.  I believed in nothing, but that there was nothing in the world worth believing in.  Kharisma and Jack taught me how to love other people, how to put someone else's life before my own for love.  Only for them, but that was a start."

There is a pause, and then, softer.  "Marcellus taught me to do it because it was right.  Because the world, with all its imperfections and ragged edges, was worth saving.  And I met Ramon, who loved the world without condition or reservation, and radiated that love outward into the world.  He was like a fucking beacon of light and hope.

"They turned me into someone else.  Someone I definitely enjoy being more.  But they let me see that, and they let me approach that change on my own terms.  They saw what I could be, yes.  But they loved me for who I was, not who they thought they might make me."

Elijah
It's hard to think of, but not too hard. Hard to really fathom, but not too hard, because Kalen was a different person. Time changes, and experience makes us grow and evolve and push past the barriers we had into something else and sometimes people just need to show you that there is another way to do things, that it will be okay.

He's quiet. Could have run off at the mouth over all sorts of thoughts and things that could have come from his mouth, this is what he settles on, after thinking. After really thinking about it.

"When I first woke up, I was scared of everything. I mean... everything. I couldn't- none of this seemed real. And I thought, y'know, after the whole heart-to-heart eternity passing world-slipping-away-past-the-umbra finding of myself that it would be different. And... and things are different, but it's not like the entire universe suddenly makes infinitely more sense and it's not like.... I'm still scared. I'm not content to just be scared. Like, my soul named me a coward and I wasn't going to just take that definition.

"But I've been a coward, and I don't want to be anymore. And it's been important for other people to see me differently, but... it's like it helps me see myself differently, you know?"

Kalen Holliday
"The best people I have known haven't been great because they were never afraid.  They were great because they acted in the face of their fears.  It isn't easy, not to let our fears define us.  But we all struggle with them, whatever they are."

Elijah
"Guess that's just part of the human condition?" he paused, and then?

"Thanks for liking Jenn, or at least thinking she's okay people. It means a lot to me... it-it fucking killed me not telling her things, she's always been there and... yeah. It means a lot to me that you guys get along."

Kalen Holliday
"Yeah.  Well.  She seems alright."

[fin.]